< ... >

I am physically happy but mentally tormented.
I am little bit confused of what am I supposed to feel right now.
I wanted to cry but there are no tears to pour out the angst.
I wanted to smile because I "think' I feel I am relief, but my lips are so stiff that it can even pull a little curve on my face.



What should I feel? I always asked myself but to no avail.
All the questions I've wanted to ask were all piled up
and I think it's biting me, little by little.



I feel like a ghost.
I don't want to flood my mind with lots of emotions.
It's like a hard disk waiting to crash. I am tired.
I am tired of using my feelings. I wanted to be Sai, an ANBU-Root member from Naruto Chronicles. He got no emotions.
He worked on his feelings thru book.
He even fakes his smile always.
He said to Haruno Sakura that
"A smile can get you out of a tough situation, even if it is fake.".
I've tried it before, but I cannot find comfort in it.

I am not saying I am in favor with "plastics".
We're talking about romance.
A feeling called love.
They say you have to be mushy and cheesy if you're in love.
Even a line from the song Light and Shade of Fra Lippo Lippi says that, "Be weak, if you want to love".
But I'll ask you, how many times should I be weak for someone?

I once lost a one great love, and I regret it.
Perhaps I'll be regretting it for the rest of my life.
So now, may be I am afraid, afraid to fall in love again.
Maybe I am destined to be single forever [sic].
Right now, I am still frozen with my past.
I can't tell you his name because he's married now.
I'm not asking him to come back.
Yes, honestly I am very much happy for him.
And I wish we'll be friends again.
But it would only be wishful thinking.
But every time I looked back, I can't help but to smile.
And sometimes I even shed a few tears.
I still even have those "memorabilia" hehe, I should have thrown them away.
But I chose not to. Why?
Those four years of my life were the best. I tried to forget him though.
But I end up thinking of him.
Right now, even though he hates me or he doesn't want to see me nor hear my voice, he inspired me.
Yes! He taught me how to love, unconditionally.
He taught me how to be obedient. Hehehe.
So he might not know it, but he's more of me.
Right now, after the break up with my recent relationship.
I am more focused on my job. It's the least that I can do to get by.
A line from the movie Ever After said that "It's better to love and lost, than to never love at all".
I guess he's right.
And the line that says "I love and I hurt but I want to keep on hurting"
from Korean movie Lover's Concerto" were as true as I am feeling right now.
I love and I am hurt from it,
but I want to keep on hurting,
meaning I want to fall in love again.

Yay!
That was so chessy!

< ... >